As I walked in I noticed there were only two other customers (I’m nothing if not observant...), an old couple called Gerald and Daphne. I know this because they both appeared not to have heard of the ‘quiet it’s a library’ convention and were shouting at each other from one end of the room to the other.
“Daph, you reckon I’ll get charged for these late books?”
“What Gerald?”
“The books, do you think I’ll be charged for them being late?”
“Hand the fuckers over and perhaps you’ll find out,” I didn’t say as I stood there waiting.
The woman who works in the library is one of a small army of fat women. I don’t know why that should be. You’d expect all that stacking of books and climbing library ladders,  stamping the date in the tomes, and all the other things that go on in a library would keep the weight off, but it seems not. Anyway, she is about 58, (that’s her age, not her weight) and likes to be jolly.
So, Gerald didn’t get charged a late fee. “Daph, look, no charge!”
“What’s that Gerald?”
“He said it’s time to go, Daph,” I said as I handed my books over.
Gerald looked at me over his glasses.
“What did you say, Gerald?” asked Daph.
I handed the books over and explained about the stuck video.
“Are you sure you can’t get it out?” asked the fat librarian.
“Well, I’ve tried just about everything,” I said.
“Ah, but have you tried to ease it out with the aid of some melted butter?” said the librarian.
Gerald’s brow furrowed as he looked over those glasses again.
“Same thing happened to me once,” continued the fat librarian, and then lowering her voice so that only the three of us could hear, added, “it was a bit embarrasing.”
“Really?” said Gerald.
“Yes,” she said, “it was a porno.”
“Sorry?, I said, “Did you just say –“
“Yes,” said Gerald, “she did. Now, how did you get it out?”
“I didn’t,” said the librarian, “I had to go back to the video shop and tell them it was stuck.”
“Did they suggest butter?” I asked.
They both looked at me.
“Time to go, Gerald,” said Daph, wafting by on her way to the door.

I must admit I was in a bit of a daze as I walked off up the road, but clearly not so much as Gerald who reversed his Lexus at high speed into one of the library’s short, stubby entrance posts, mounting it so his driving wheels were off the ground and smacking, amongst other things, his exhaust pipe which would have become unattached from the engine. “Damn!” I heard him shout as he revved the engine, “now we’re really stuck, Daph.”
Yes, it did occur to me but I don’t think butter would do it.