Now, I had to go to the bank today and give them a rocket. They are such idiots (yes, I know we all know this, but it doesn't hurt to mention it again). I went in on Wednesday and deposited a large cheque. Now, before you run away with the idea that I'm rolling in the folding stuff I should say that I'm doing a bit of financial engineering. What this means is you take credit from one source and pay off some credit owing at another. It looks like you have plenty of money, which really you do, the only thing is, none of it is yours.
Anyway, the bank are not to know this. I go in, deposit the cheque. I check the amount on the phone that night and find that the fools have put a tenth of the amount in my account. In any other business this would be called stealing.
Because they don't open until 9.30am (how do they get away with this?) by the time I charge through the doors there is a big queue behind me - around 15 people - and you know how quiet it is in a bank.
I get to the desk and show the girl the counterfoil and tell her the mistake they have made and she laughs.
"I don't think the fact that you have lost my money is funny" I said and I could feel the crowd shifting with the beginnings of some excitement. The smirk left her face quicker than money out of my account and she got the old woman of the bank (she'd be 35 if she's a day) to come along and talk to me. I explain the situation and she checks it out and she says, "Yes, we have made a mistake. We'll make sure it is in your account as soon as possible."
"Not good enough," say I. "It should be there now. It's your mistake and I'm not prepared to wait." (Yes, I know, I'm sounding awfully like Tom).
"Well, the bank has procedures, you know."
"Oh yes, I know all about those. That's why I don't have any money in my account."
The crowd tittered.
She looked at me over her half glasses and so I said, "I'll be charging you for my time until this is sorted out."
"You can't do that."
"Oh, I think you will find I can. If you go to my website, What A Load of Bankers," and here the crowd began to laugh, "you will find a sliding scale of charges, including one for mistakes which are not my mistakes. There's also one for inefficiency during banking processes, such as incorrectly inputting amounts into your computers. My time costs $500 an hour and the clock is ticking."
Upon which I turned on my heel and marched out to a ripple of applause.
What a good feeling that was.
Now, within an hour I got a call from the bank telling me the correct amount had been deposited and cleared. The girl they made call was so effusive I thought she was going to offer to come over and have my children (not the ones I already have, you understand. Oh, you know what I mean).
All I've got to do now is send them a bill for my time. Honestly, they are such complete bankers they'll probably pay it too.
29/06/07 @ 12:12